link here I hate that I'm depressed and probably anorexic (103 lbs. but i want to be 98) but won't admit it to my closest friends. I hate that my mum says stuff like this to me:
"Why can't you do anything? I find it annoying."
"I mean, hello? Common sense."
"If you act like this around your friends, good luck keeping them. I mean, now wonder no one calls anymore."
"You think you're crying now? Keep acting like that and I'll give you something to cry about. You'll be crying out in pain."
These statements (and many others that I haven't written down) make me hate myself. I hate the "clones" at my high school who are too afraid to show themselves. Like Lexi and Rachel. They're mean and easy and act stupid, yet they always manage to get the guy i've been pining for for who knows how long. I hate Sean C. and I hate gym class and I hate Josh D.A. sometimes, but other times I absolutely swoon over him. I hate my student teacher and i hate high school and I hate the suburbs. I hate life sometime. Sometimes I just feel like running away. I hate that so many people will tell me to get over it after reading this. Right now, however petty it seems to you, these things are causing alot of emotional trauma for me. But, stepping back, I realize how petty this is and that makes me hate myself more. I hate hormones and fat and getting older. I hate Sarah Palin and pop music. And... I can't think of anything else. But I'm sure I'll be back with more hate. Thank you for listening to me if you've read this far, it's nice to know that someone cares.
Jackie (15 years old) Jan 4 2:52 AM UTC
link here i hate to say that when i say i want commitment - i mean that i don't want him to sleep with anyone else. i hate that he is why i am single. i hate that its not completely his fault and that i can't be around him when he is seeing other women, beyond friendship. i know that this is just insecurity, because i am not actually with him. i hate that i cannot get close to anyone and that i back off from all my other male friends over it. Sep 19 8:39 PM UTC
link here I hate my life right now.
I am in college and can't afford to live on my own so I have to get help from my parents. I hate how they act as if I am some big burden to them financially even though they decided to have me. My grandpa gave me some money for college tuition and I hate how my parents are using it for everything in college (including rent and books) and act like they aren't and make me feel guilty as if they are spending all this money. I hate how they have never let me think for myself and let me make my own decisions. I am just now discovering who I really am because I was so afraid to be me from how they raised me. I hate that they are so restricting and closed-minded. I hate that they act as if we have no money at all when my parents have too much income for me to get grants or financial aid. I don't want them to spend a lot of money on me but it would be nice for them to not make me feel guilty when I ask them for money for basic groceries. I hate that they were bad when they were younger but would kill me if I even did something slightly wrong. I hate that they treat my brother better than me and let him get away with things I would have never been able to get away with. Other people have seen they do this too. I hate how my parents won't send me enough money for groceries when my dad smokes a ton of cigarettes and cigars and buys coffee from coffee stands every day, several times a day. I hate that my dad gets mad if I ever buy a drink from starbucks for myself with my own money when he buys multiple coffee's everyday, and sometimes even from bikini baristas. I hate that my mom is to chicken to stand up for her self and tell him he shouldn't do that. I swear he's cheating on her. I hate how my mom always sides with my dad even if she said something different to me before. I hate how my dad freaks out and says I need to respect my mom when I'm pretty sure he's cheating on her. I hate that I can never tell my parents anything. I hate that they always think they know everything even if they can't see it from my eyes and aren't even in the same town to see what's happening. I hate that my dad has always told me to never talk back but now he pushes my buttons to get me to stand up for myself and when I do he gets mad and won't let me. I hate that I want to get another dog for my dog so he has a companion and they say I can't when I don't even live with them and it's my money and I see how depressed he seems being the only dog when he came from a litter of 8. I hate that they won't let me be me. I hate how they force they're opinions on me acting that I should only do what they think. I hate that I have met the love of my life and although they like him, I know they will not want us to get married before we turn the age they were when they got married (which was almost 30). And if I want to get married anyways I know they will never pay for the wedding, no matter how simple. I hate how I will never have a great wedding like I always dreamed and that I will probably end up just getting married at a courthouse by the justice of the peace because I can't afford anything better. I hate that they think they're the best parents ever and say things like "We're sorry we loved you too much". Yes they actually said that. I hate that even though I haven't ever done anything measurably wrong in my life, they will never appreciate it and always find something to critisize me about. I hate that whoever is reading this probably thinks I'm selfish and spoiled and immature and will never know the truth. I hate how I had always thought I would be close to my parents as I aged but know I am realizing that will not be the case and I will probably choose to live across the country from them. I hate how for one second my life can't just be happy and work out ok. I hate how my parents have made sex seem wrong and dirty and it will take forever for me to not feel guilty about it, even after being married. I hate how I am an adult and they still get upset if I swear once in a blue moon even though they swear whenever they feel like it. I hate how I have a big chance of turning out like them "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" I hate how I have too much evidence that they actually are my parents and I'm not adopted. That would make so much more sense. I hate that I always feel like the black sheep. I hate that I will never be good enough for them, even if they say its ok. I hate that I hate them, but its hard not to when they act the way they do. I hate that I feel like dying right now because life is so hard and they don't understand it. I hate how my dad reads books to try and understand depression when he has never been clinically depressed to know how it really feels. I hate how he says he understands when he hasn't lived through it. I hate that I am afraid to make mistakes because that's how they taught me. I hate that they only think there is one way of thinking: their way. I hate that I'm afraid to live life to the fullest because I don't want them to be mad at me for doing something they don't agree to. I hate that they say they are spending so much money on me for me going to college when 1) they would think of me as a f-up if I didn't go to college (its basically taboo for me not to go and 2) that they aren't barely spending anything since they're taking it all out of the college money my grandpa gave me. I hate that they never saved up a college fund for me themselves even though they had the money to. Yet they don't want me to take out loans. I hate that they think I'm not allowed to be mad at them. I hate that after I started seeing a counselor she suddenly thought she should go see the same one, even though she isn't at all depressed or anything. She has to make people feel sorry for her. I hate how people feel sorry for my mom for putting in so much overtime at work when its her own choice she's working that overtime. She doesn't have to work as long as she says she does. She's a perfectionist. I hate how my mom gets mad when I spend my own money sometimes but she buys way more stuff that she doesn't need. I hate that I feel like I have to hide that I bought one little thing with my own money from my mom because she will get mad a spent my money even when I was in high school and didn't have any responsibilities to pay for. I hate that my parents will give my brother as much money as he needs and give me crap if I asked for lunch money in high school. I hate how I could go on and on.... Feb 7 6:08 AM UTC
link here i hate that I'm a fat sack of shit. i hate how big i am. i hate that I'm 5'10" & a girl. i hate that I'm taller than most boys && feel like a giant than most girls. i hate that i look like a tall goofy loser w/ glasses & short hair. i hate that I'm a black girl shaped like a fat white girl. If i had a shape like some hips & small waist i wouldn't be considered fat. I would just be thick. but because my stomach, love-handles, & thighs look like they are all attached, i just look like a round fat ass ball. i hate the fact that because i have big boobs it makes me look even bigger. i hate that fact i have no ass. hate that the back f my jeans sag. i hate that my butt hurts when i sit for too long because i have no cushion back there. i hate the fact that my stomach hangs over the front & sides of my pants. i hate that i wore sweats all this summer because all my jeans don't fit && show off my NON-shape fat body. i hate that my thighs sag & are filled with cellulite. i hate that I'm light skinned && the fat looks worse on me. i hate that the only things little on me are my legs && that just draws more attention to my top half. i hate the fact that i cant have sex anymore because of my body. i hate that i embarrass myself. i hate that i know I'm not sexually attractive for boys. i hate that i only had sex w/ one dude && that my body didn't appeal to him. i hate that he had sex w/ my friend & enjoyed it more...
i hate that fact that my friend has a coca-cola shape but doesn't even flaunt it. i hate that she hates her body. i hate that she is trying to loose 15 pounds at 160lbs. i hate the fact that she is 5'4" && looks like she is 140lbs. i hate that she has a fit body; not sloppy & jiggly, toned. If she doesn't like it so much then give it to me. i KNOW for a fact that she wouldn't wanna look like me. i hate that every time i look at her i feel a ping of jealousy because she is taking her perfect body for granted. i hate that she has no stomach, no love-handles, & the typical black girl hips, booty, thighs, & legs. i hate that she has thick long hair but does nothing w/ it. i hate that her whole family has good hair. i hate that she thinks she's ugly because she has acne but truthfully, i think she's sooo past pretty. i hate that i want her body, her complexion, her beauty, her sexual confidence, strength, popularity & her maturity so bad that it hurts. i hate that i have absolutely NO will-power determination or strength to change my disgusting body.
i hate that my friend has the same self-esteem && depression problems as me but has no reason for it. we are almost like twins but she's the better one. i hate that my depression has a lot to do w/ my body. i hate because I'm depressed i MUST eat or i will kill myself. i hate the fact that along w/ this depression shit i also have panic attacks & anxiety disorder symptoms. i hate that I'm scared to go to the doctor & tell them about my problems because they might look at me differently. i hate that i want a family but my friend has family surrounding her 24/7. i hate that she has such a loving sister & i don't have anyone. i hate that I'm at her house 24/7 && I feel like a freeloader eating up her food && sleeping on the couch like a bum because i despise my mother. i hate the fact I feel like I'm always in the way at her house. i hate the fact that i attached myself to her because I have no one else. i hate that w/o me she would still be able to live her life. i hate that w/o her i wouldn't even leave my house. i hate the fact that i look up to her like a big sister or role model & she doesn't even know. i hate the fact that she is everything i want to be && ENVY her. i hate the fact that i feel like I'm holding her back from living her life. i hate the fact that she went through her first love breaking her heart but found an even better love && I'm still mourning over my first love from almost 3 yrs ago. i hate the fact that she's my only friend...
Even though i hate all of these things i am still so ecstatic for her && proud of how far she has come from all the pain in her life. I hate that she gets mad when i push her so hard to live her life to the fullest && to try to fight the depression && not give in. I do this to show her that i do care & i can be a good friend; love, something i don't have. I love to show people what i don't have. Happiness, love, support, anything. it makes me feel good about myself. i just want her to be happy because for some strange reason if she was to be happy then maybe i could help myself... Aug 17 7:30 PM UTC
link here I hate that people think depression is an illness.
While it very well may be some sort of chemical imbalance, I disagree, because of my personal experience.
When I was younger, I was skinny, and spoiled as a child. I learned about sex at an early age from a neighbor and lack of parental controls on our satellite T.V. Because I was spoiled, I was conceited, and this combined with my knowledge of sex, I basically acted like a whore. I would flirt with every little boy I saw, wear skimpy clothes, and constantly think about perverted things.
I was a disgusting child. I had lot's of friends that I treated like dirt, but I was always outside playing with them. Until one year, I moved.
At my new house, there weren't any kids my age around my neighborhood to play with. I eventually stumbled upon things on the internet that held my attention for an entire summer, during wich I stayed up until 6 every morning, and slept all day after that. Of course, this made me gain weight. I was also just hitting puberty, so I had alot of acne and I was always sweaty.
When I went back to school that year, things were pretty normal. I didn't flirt all over the place anymore, and I kept to myself a bit. Of course, there were insults, and a lot of mocking.
My self esteem was weakening, but I was still haughty. That summer, I stayed at home the whole time again. I gained MORE weight and I lost any sense of self-worth that was left. I was deppressed. I contemplated suicide. When I went back to school that year, I had no popularity, two friends who I could barely call accquaintences, and failing grades due to my lack of motivation for anything.
My parents were oblivious to all this. I have a loving family, but I barely came out of my room, leaving them with no chance to see a problem. I came to a point where I could really sink no lower.
I don't really know what happened after that. I might've read an inspiring story on the internet, or watched an anime full of heroes overcoming their fate, or I might've just gotten tired of hating myself. One night when I was feeling especially worthless, crying on the floor in my room, I snapped.
I could just picture someone standing over me, sneering at how pathetic I was, wallowing in my own self-pity. I decided that I needed to suck it the fuck up. Screw everything. I'm going to make the best of this pathetic existence I've been given, and when it's over, I can say that I fucking did something. I wasn't going to be a pussy and kill myself. I wasn't just going to give up. I was going to get it over with.
So I got up off of the floor, and took a long shower for the first time in a long while.
I got my ass in gear and did a load of makeup work to pass all my classes with straight D's. I looked at the passing of that grade as a trial overcome, the first of many in my new life.
The year of school after that was the best I've had. I made a few friends, the closest I've known. I passed my classes with straight A's. I've been accepted into an elite high school with all honors and AP courses.
It's summer now, and I am a bitter, but better person. I've been called cynical, cold. Which I am, but I'm slowly beginning to get my personality back. I was always the funny girl before. I'm hoping I can be like that again.
Whenever I start to feel sullen about the many things that are just shot all to hell in my life, I give myself a metal smack in the face and tell myself to get up, shut up, and stop whining about things I can't control. I'm going to keep moving forward, whatever it takes, trampling over the 'depressed' people that are too weak to do anything with themselves.
In conclusion, depression is not a disease. It is a weakness that can be overcome, just like any other obstacle. To anyone with depression, take control. Grab life by the throat and toss it aside. Don't let yourself become one of the nameless people who commit suicide and go on forgotten, with nothing to leave behind to show that they were there at all. Take a stand.
There is another alternative. If you feel like you have nothing to live for, and want to throw your life away, give it to someone else. Devote yourself to a religion or charity. It doesn't matter if you believe in the cause. If you don't want your life, there are other people who will gladly put it to use.
link here I hate resenting being a lesbian. I hate how he tried to rape me. I hate how I always push people away and just ignore them when I truly want to be with them, and I hate how I don't know why I do that. I hate how I was depressed for two years straight, and I hate how I was happy for a month, a record, and now it's back again.
I hate how I don't think I can withstand killing myself anymore, and I hate how cliche that sounds, because it's actually true. Jun 21 11:40 PM UTC
link here I hate that I decided to get breast implants. I hate that I didn't realize I was fine the way I was... actually I looked really good the way I was. I hate that it took me making this life changing decision in order to realize that I hate the way I feel and look now and I hate even more that I think about how much I regret the decision every day. I hate that this decision has made me depressed and want to sleep all day. I hate that I started smoking pot daily as a way to not think about my surgery. I hate how much time I have spent thinking about this... and I hate that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. Dec 28 10:03 AM UTC
link here I hate that I can't sleep. I hate that when in bed, my mind just starts racing and worrying about the tomorrow. I hate to be afraid of the next day, and what misfortunes it always seems to have in store for me. Nov 20 6:34 PM UTC