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I hate my partner's alcoholism. I hate it that he is so numbed out that he can not feel anything. I hate that he is completely indifferent to other people's feelings. I hate that the silent treatment is actually preferable to him rather than communicating and resolving our differences. I hate this festering inside of me. I hate the jealousy that I feel right now that he is going away to see his family for the Fourth of July weekend, that he will pretend to not be an alcoholic around them, and that I will miss three whole days of sobriety with him. I hate myself for getting into this relationship and moving in with him when I knew he was an alcoholic from day one. Most of all, I hate how cliched our life has become. Jul 3 11:58 AM MST

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I hate that I love alcohol so much. I hate that one of the things I'm best at is being a high functioning alcoholic. I hate that I'm a relatively small guy, but I can out drink people twice my size. I hate that I would get drunk and jokingly (so I told myself) say outloud that alcohol is the best friend I ever had. I hate that alcohol was the only thing there when I needed a friend. I hate that it was a friend who, when I went to them for help, bought me my first bottle of alcohol and left me alone with it. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to give it back. I hate that now I would choose the bottle over the friend in a heartbeat. I hate that I've been sober for about 15 days, 1 hour, and 45 minutes at the time of this writing and sobriety doesn't really seem worth it. I hate that I always looked down on people with a drinking problem in my teenage years. I hate that inside, I think I'm both proud and ashamed of loving alcohol so much. I hate that I don't think I can seperate who I am from the alcohol any more. In fact, now that I think about it, I wonder if there is any "me" outside of the bottle? I hate that the alcohol didn't kill me before I started second guessing myself. I hate the thought of life without drinking. I hate that I stopped drinking for a little while for no apparent reason. I hate that I could end my exile from alcohol with any of the bottle in my liquor cabinet whenever I want. I hate that I think I want to stay an alcholic for a while longer, but I won't let myself have a drink. I hate that I don't understand my alcoholism. May 20 5:24 PM MST