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I don't hate that I was raped. I hate that I think I liked it. I hate when people talk about sex on the beach as a sexy, romantic thing because I was raped on the beach. I hate that I didn't feel bad after trying to killing myself. I hate I didn't regret it. I hate that I loved being in the Hospital. I hate that I loved riding in the ambulance to the Emergency Center. I hate that I think about killing people sometimes and the ways I could get away with it. I hate that I love lying and do it constantly. I hate that I can't truely ever trust anyone. I hate that I laugh when I see someone crying or hurting. I hate that I think murder and genocide and death is interesting, fascinating, and awesome. I hate that I love to see myself bleed. I hate that even though I could stop cutting, I don't WANT to. I hate that I don't want to be saved. I hate the way I look at myself in the mirror, and pick apart my every flaw. I hate that I can't stop eating. I hate that I don't have the will power to become Anorexic. I hate that I can't throw up. I hate that I keep trying to change myself but it never works. I hate how I don't care about anything anymore. Or anyone. I hate my parents. I hate hating my parents. I hate that I hate this goddamn town but I'm so afraid to leave. I hate that I'm so young and people take it as naivity. I hate when people tell me I'm just going through a phase. I hate living. I hate breathing. I hate sleeping. I hate the way my shrink tells me what's wrong with me. I hate the way he looks at me, so high on his pedastoole he sits. I hate that I'll never be smart enough, skinny enough, talented enough, or pretty enough. I hate that I have sex with random guys because it makes me feel better. I hate that I'm a whore and that I love it. I hate that I go against everything everyone is for. I hate that I will never make it anywhere and all my ambitions were lost. I hate being jealous of people I don't know, and people I do. I hate how screwed up I am. I hate the way my dad touches me. I hate the way he looks at me. I hate the way my mother drinks. I hate how I make my life sound worse than it is. I hate how I like to talk about myself. Sometimes. I hate how I push people away. I hate how I won't let myself love HIM. I hate that I believe in God, because I constantly let him down. I hate that I sometimes lose my faith and turn my back against the world. I hate that I believe there is a chance I could kill somebody. I hate that I know I'm capable of it. I hate that I like to pinch babys to see them cry and hold them to calm them. I hate that I won't ever be right in the head.


I hate. PERIOD. Jan 17 10:55 AM MST